The Old Erie Street Book Store Cleveland, Ohio Rare Books and Records

Thursday, April 9, 2009

2009 ROCK 'N ROLL HALL OF FAME INDUCTION CEREMONY CAUSES WIDESPREAD MUSHROOM PANIC

By Cletus Mylo and Pato Soupe

2009 (c) Copyright. Mr. Clovis Shea and Mr. Mark Stueve. All Right Reserved.

A late friday afternoon run on grocery stores left Cleveland's mushroom supply devastated and in complete disarray. The sole cause of this economic crisis was quickly traced directly back to last minute preparations for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony.

According to Dr. L.I.B. Hookum Tookum, "This is a mycological disaster. Mushrooms are the lifeblood of Cleveland's small business industry. Without them this city will suffer. Everybody knows that mushrooms grow in shit just like rock and roll. All this for pleasuring the palates and pates of these dilitant invaders and their high fallutin' ways."

Accounts show that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame purchased over 13 tons of the cities mushroom supply within a 24 hour period, leaving the cities restaurants, grocery stores, and downtown street vendors naked and trembling.

Quick to try to shift the blame, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame CEO Mr. Stewart stated, "It wasn't our fault, these british rockers are barbarian mushroom eaters ... I personally saw Jeff Beck eat 3 pounds of raw mushrooms in like three minutes, dude, it was crazy. I told him to 'like slow down, man' and that's when his security dude thugged me in the hallway. I couldn't believe it, I tried to talk to Ron Wood about it but he just laughed and called me a 'wanker'."

While the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was quick to explain itself with whimper and excuse, Cleveland's depleated mushroom supply is not about to rebound anytime soon.

Throughout the Induction Ceremony, VIP guests were seen wolfing down mushroom after mushroom like there was no tomorrow. Local club owner's Handy Buttons and Tooney Lumpy were there to enjoy the festivities. "The mushrooms looked so wonderful, but I didn't get any." Miss Buttons stated. "I managed to get a few." Mr. Lumpy explained. Inductee Larz Ulrich of Metallica stated, "These Brits eat their raw, I tried to keep up with Jeff Beck for a while, man, but he's a fanatic when it comes to mushrooms, after two bags my head was spinning ... when I asked him what he thought of my music he told me I never should have left Genesis ... he thought I was Phil Collins, man. Jeff Beck was my personal hero ... so to hear him say that ... was terrible ... I just wanted to cry."

Picking up the pieces after this debacle will be no easy matter. Cleveland's grocers are teaming up in an effort to seek an emergency supply from Pennsylvania to meet their wholesale contracts for the next critical two week period.

When asked whether or not he felt personally responsible for this crisis, Jeff Beck stated, "I've been a naughty boy. And I don't deserve this award. I will continue to be a naughty boy."

Ron Wood stated, "I asked those boys at the Museum for some old school Cleveland puunanny ... and they sent me a strung out monkey with a fucking toot straw ... that might be how Cleveland rolls ... but it's not my bit ... more Micks thing, really ... damn thing looked like Bruce Springsteen with a banana."

In a last minute Public Relations effort to showcase their new Bruce Springsteen exhibit, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame spokesperson Randy Blather called a special news conference to introduce the Museum's new Official Mascot, 'Lil Toot.' Lil Toot is a miniature Columbia monkey that has a penchant for placing a straw in his nose, hopping around on his haunches, beating his chest, and exclaiming in broken spanish 'Me-More!' In a written statement to City Hall, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum states, "Who doesn't love a monkey in a t-shirt that reads 'Bruce'? We just know that Lil Toot wil bring a new air of inspiration and confidence to our lovely little south shore city by the bay."

Only time will tell whether or not Lil Toot's lovable Springsteen-esque antics will be able to reverse the economic devastation caused by the Cleveland Mushroom Run of 2009. What is clear, however, is that the British still rule Rock and Roll with an Iron Fist.

Labels: Bruce Springsteen, Cleveland, Genesis, Jeff Beck, Lars Ulrich, Metallica, Phil Collins, Rock 'N Roll Hall Of Fame Induction Ceremony, Rock 'N Roll Hall Of Fame Museum, Ron Wood

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A MESSAGE OF INSPIRATION AND HOPE

YES WE CAN ...

By F.U. 'I Love This Car' MaLaudanum

Written and Submitted in association with Muggles Greenwood Productions
and Old Eries Street Bookstore

2009 (c) Copyright Mr. Clovis Shea. All Rights Reserved.

Can three generations of Americans actually destroy the world? Yes, we can.

With Disproportionate control over profound and widespread technological advances ... a nihilistic view of 'what's right for me is all that matters' ... and an uncompromising sense of economic unaccountability ... we are able to everyday move one step forward in realizing a socio-political framework founded upon rapid expanding consumer production that is completely deviod of civic virtue and modesty.

By simply dreaming the unmanageable ... accomplishing the unreasonable ... and realizing the inappropriate ... we can meet our goals of imposing our mark on the future through the consumption of resource and the creation of waste.

With advanced ingenuity and self-centeredness ... we are now able to consume and destroy ... over a period of mere decades ... what used to take centuries ... and even then would amount to only a fraction when compared to the extent of our own hyperinflated rate of utilization.

By blackening the sky to light our houses ... by stripping the soils paving them with highways and strip malls and suburbs ... by constantly tearing down and then rebuilding our cities on a foundation of industrial waste ... by flooding the oceans with an array of toxic chemicals to ensure sanitary conditions in the household and a facial cleanser that keeps us looking young well into our sixties ... by taking a world that is green, turning it brown, and call that 'green' ...

Yes, We Can.

Labels: F.U. MaLaudanum, Muggles Greenwood

AMERICA'S LOOMING PERSONAL CREDIT CARD CRISIS: SIGN ME UP, I'M NOT WORRIED, I CAN TAKE IT

By F.U. 'My Fortune Cookie Lied to Me' MaLaudanum

2009 (c) Copyright Mr. Clovis Shea and Mark Stueve. All Rights Reserved.

Written and submitted in association with Muggles Greenwood Productions and Old Erie Street Bookstore

They say that a Banker on a Kabob makes a pretty good dish
Stick 'em with a skewer and its really quite delish
Cook 'em real good as a barbeque or a roast
Then serve with sauerkraut on a piece of white toast

All this past week people have been coming up to me and saying, "Hey F.U. why aren't you worried about America defaulting on all these high interest credit card loans?"
And I tell them, "Now listen here, buddy, first of all, I'm proud to be an American, and as far as this whole mess is concerned, our hands are clean. And even if it is the so-called 'consumer's' fault, the minute that snobby waiter rejected my Vista Card on the convenient excuse of 'insufficient funds,' well, that's when I said, 'Listen here, Tony, I don't care how many new pairs of comfortable shoes your ex-boyfriend has and won't share with you and that's why you set his walk-in closet on fire and no wonder the little bitch won't talk to you anymore that there is destruction of personal property and you crossed the line."
And when people say to me, "Hey F.U. this is bigger than just you or me, this has significant and potentially severe international economic ramifications." Well, that's when I tell them, "I don't understand all those fancy words, but as far as I'm concerned this mess started in China and that's exactly where it should end."
Folks often respond by asking me, "Hey F.U. what do you have against China?"
And I tell them, "What do I have against China? Let me count the ways, and where should I start? Well, first of all I don't believe I can ever really forgive them for the way they stole all that opium away from the British. But, letting sleeping dogs lie for a minute, I really believe in my heart that the Chinese government caused this whole credit card mess when they had the nerve to think they had the right to go and buy up so many of our red-blooded-christian-god-fearing-all-american-dollars!"
And when these same folks insist on being obtuse, and insist on hiding their head in the sand, and they say things like, "Hey F.U. what's China got to do with it?"
That's when I cut them off with another one of my famous quick witted zingers, "What's China got to do with it? What's love got to do with it? Tanya Turner can kiss my Ike-Lovin' bumb! As far as I'm concerned, China should try peddling its tired old cliches elsewhere. And if they think they can trick the American Public into borrowing freely against a Chinese owned American Dollar, then I say its time for a little bit of American Ingenuity! My Fellow Americans, let's give these Chairman Mao-loving Bankers a little taste of what we call 'Dash and Dine'"
And when they giet flustered and all red in the face, I say, "Listen buddy, you need to calm down, your blood pressure's up, and you're starting to sound like one of those commie-loving-pinko-types."
Besides, its not like we haven't been down this road before. Back in the early 1990s we had a similar problem when the Japanese decided to crash our housing market by stealing early tee-times and purchasing Pebble Beach. Well, we showed them good back then, didn't we? We handed them a bill they wouldn't forget, and then when they had to sell their over-priced assets just to cover on the margins, we bought it all back for pennies on the Yen.
Well, this time, I'm afraid the Chinese think they've got it made. But, baby I just laugh. And if they try to collect on America's un-secured debt, Obama should just draft up a Writ marked 'Power of Attorney' granting them 'unlimited authorization to go suck duck.' And if that's not enough for those German Ruble loving bastards, we'll have Bernie Madouf sign over a 'Quit-Claim Deed' to his Palestinian cousin's gay jiraffe farm. They like soup so much, let them see how Gold Bullion tastes without any real meat.
Then we can all take out brand spanking new 29% low-variable-compounding-interest-rate-with-our-favorite-magic-johnson-logo Gold Platinum Cards, buy brand new fancy espresso makers, and we'll drink and we'll drink and we'll talk and we'll talk to all those overpaid, technologically inclined hot little 1-900 late night 20-something Credit Card Companies Telephone Operators on our brand new speaker-phone-digital-Ipod-Dvd-photoshop-instructions-not-included-microshaft-scanner-color-laser-inkjet-kindle-gameboy-fax-machines.

Labels: Crass Course Economics, F.U. MaLaudanum, Muggles Greenwood

Friday, December 19, 2008

plain dealer charity shoe toss

2008 (c) Copyright. Mark Stueve. All Rights Reserved.

Plain Dealer Editorial humorist, Kevin O'Brien, has volunteered in the spirit of holiday 2008 to be on the receiving end of the first annual shoe toss to benefit the falling fortunes of the local newspaper that employs him.

Sighting falling arches as cure for falling revenues, the plain dealer will set up a podium at their Superior Avenue Plaza which O'Brien will occupy while participants paying ten dollars per shoe will be allowed to toss their foot ware at hack O'Brien's physical form in a fashion resembling President George Bush's recent Iraq media dodge.

No limits will be placed on shoe sizes or features, though ice-skates, baseball shoes, and other athletic foot ware will be featured at a later event with plain dealer sports writers Bill Livingston and Bud Shaw occupying the podium.

The third shoe toss is a woman's only event with plain dealer editor Susan Goldberg and her pets, Regina Brett and Connie Schultz taking the podium to be on the receiving end of a woman's only shoe toss. The subject of stiletto heals is still under discussion, so check with the plain dealer before sharpening your shoe points.

It appears that this shoe toss should gather sufficient funds to help pay for the inflated salaries of the plain dealer employees participating as well as giving local readers a means of expressing their true feelings for these sycophants.

Plain dealer publisher Hammond Egger III will be O'Brien's alternate.

A run on used foot ware has already occurred in local thrift stores much to Egger's delight.

"I smell the stench of profit, finally!" Egger quipped.

Labels: Cleveland Ohio, plain dealer

Monday, December 8, 2008

JIMI HENDRIX'S STAR SPANGLED BANNER TO COMMENCE THE 2009 PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION

A DECENT PROPOSAL

By Muggles 'I Voted for Nader in 2002' Greenwood

2008 (c) Copyright. Mr. Clovis Shea and Mr. Mark Stueve. All Rights Reserved.

It has been recommended by a Cleveland Hipster from the Baby Boomer Generation that the 2009 Presidential Inauguration should commence with Jimi Hendrix's 1969 Woodstock version of the Star Spangled Banner.

President Barack 'Voodoo Chile' Obama's 2009 Inauguration is going to be a crowded historic event that marks a profound change forward for this country. And, it is exactly as Michelle 'Foxy Lady' Obama described it, an accomplishment that this Nation can and should be proud.

The election of the first African-American President represents a national accomplishment the credit for which clearly rests in the arms of our Nation's contemporary youth. This is a fact that must be properly acknowledged during the Inauguration ceremony. Unfortunately, an MTV style after-party seems both uninspired and lacking, even if they hire Snoop Dog, Christina Aguilera, and Stevie Wonder for a performance of 'Signed, Sealed, and Delivered.'

If, however, they use Jimi Hendrix's Star Spangled Banner to commence the ceremony, it will not only serve to commemorate this significant historic moment, it will create a bridge of harmony between the elder and youth generations of this Country. Sure, Kid Rock and 50 Cent can co-MC the after-party. And Alicia Keys and Elvis Costello can serenade the Obama Family with a medley of Burt Bacharach and Nat King Cole songs. But, when it comes to our National Anthem, there is only one version that the entire Nation can really agree represents this Nation's past, present, and future, and that is Jimi Hendrix's 1969 Woodstock Festival version.

Labels: 2009 Presidential Inauguration, Jimi Hendrix's Star Spangled Banner, Muggles Greenwood, Old Erie Street Bookstore

Friday, October 31, 2008

A TALE OF TWO SQUARES

A crumbling movie theatre, formerly known as The Commodore, sits in a chronic state of distressed brick and mortar at the intersection of East 152nd Street and Lakeshore Boulevard, also known as Maher Square, testimony to a fallen splendor in a ghetto by the Lake Erie shores neighborhood known as North Collinwood on Cleveland's east side.

Across town the former Capitol Theatre is being renovated as a project worthy of saving, in the neighborhood known as Detroit Shoreway, also known as Gordon Square.

The project involving the Capitol Theatre includes a former arcade and market housed in a neighborhood easily assessable to downtown and fairly close, though not easily assessable, to Lake Erie waters.

Lots going for the corner of West 65th and Detroit where the Capitol Theatre exists. Across town, in Collinwood, is another story. North Collinwood has many public paths to Lake Erie via Wildwood Beach, Euclid Beach State Park, and numerous residential streets between East 140th Street and the city limits at East 185th Street which provide residents easy Lakefront access.

Here lies the quandary.

Detroit Shoreway has a nascent neighborhood on the upswing, noted by the 'Capitol Theatre' project. North Collinwood has a neighborhood in decline, noted by the profound lack of development and attention to a landmark theatre such as 'The Commodore.'

The Detroit Shoreway neighborhood, without easy adjoining Lake Erie access, gets the upgraded business district, anchored by Cleveland Public Theatre, and a number of new start-up businesses such as Bakeries, Coffee Shops, Restaurants, and Retail.

The North Collinwood Lakeshore Avenue neighborhood, with copious adjoining Lake Erie access, gets vacant storefronts, abandoned residential housing and red lined properties, and no new business start-ups, save the atypical liqour marts featuring a menu of individual 'ciggarretts and cigars,' forty ouncers, lottery tickets, and overpriced, and sometimes outdated, food stuffs.

What is wrong with this picture?

North Collinwood is the canary in the mine shaft for Cleveland's future. North Collinwood is Michael Polenseks' Ward for 29 years. Collinwood youth suffer the indignity of no Recreation Center to serve their needs.

Will this omission and contradiction be Polenseks' legacy?

Across town the Detroit Shoreway area is blessed with two City of Cleveland Recreation Center options: Matt Zone, at West 65th and Lorain, and Cuddell Recreation, at West Boulevard and Detroit.

Using a tale of two theatres and the urban squares they occupy as a measure, the disparity seems obvious.

Politics? You bet. Priorities? Downtown trumps neighborhoods.

Decades of poor city planning and imbecilic civic boosterism from the likes of Cleveland Now! to today's Positively Cleveland! serve as cheerleading sections to the massive Cleveland exodus to the suburbs and counties beyond, that has resulted in a reduction by half of Cleveland's population since 1950.

In April 2008 Cleveland City Council approved a 1.5 million dollar loan to improve the Capitol Theatre. The amount of $250,000 dollars was awarded the same month by City Council to study the proposal of a Collinwood Recreation Center.

Downtown Cleveland interests have given away our existing Lakefront to the likes of the NFL Cleveland Browns, provided the Cleveland Indians and the Cleveland Cavaliers with publicly subsidized sports arenas, though little thought is given to Collinwood youth and their recreational needs.

The Commodore Theatre awaits eminent demolition. Maher Square will lose part of its soul. Collinwood youth congregate on street corners without a voice or choice.

The Capitol Theatre in Gordon Square is currently being primed and gussied up for a new birth. Detroit Shoreway children are afforded ample recreational needs.

What will it take to change the priorities to afford both sides of Cleveland an equal share in the fraudulent pie?

Labels: Cleveland, Detroit Shoreway, Gordon Square, Maher Square, North Collinwood

Friday, October 17, 2008

OH CLEVELAND, MY CLEVELAND

ROLL ON BIG CLEVELAND, YOU PHUCKING PLUMB

By Muggles 'I Wanna Be Like Chief Wahoo When I Grow Up' Greenwood

2008 (c) Copyright Mr. Clovis Shea and Mr. Mark Stueve. All Rights Reserved.

As I sat outside the train station of Cleveland, Ohio, waiting for the sun to rise to the west, I realized, 'wait ... what? hold on ... wait a minute! which direction is east?'

Just because I traveled to here from the east -no, correct that! I was traveling east -I came from the west -which means it is quite possible that I'd been looking to the east (thinking it's west) the whole time.

And that is my point exactly. I've always heard critical words used to describe Cleveland, specifically, and Ohio, in particular. However, I have come to believe that the City of Cleveland, itself, is a true testament of deep seated love. A deep seated love for something that has un-intentionally come to embody everything backwards -lopsided -and upsidedown.

This is a place that puts up neon lights reading 'Fifth Third Bank' on one of its seven silly skyscrapers and then fails (or refuses) to grasp entirely how someone ... not from here ... might fail to take it seriously ... or instead, find it almost comical.

This is a place that names its baseball franchise the 'Indians' and then uses a cavalry charge for its late inning rallies. This is a place that trades all of its best baseball players to league rivals and then expects its fan base to believe that a World Series victory sometime, either in this century or the next, is, perhaps, entirely plausible.

And so I continue waiting for the sunrise. Not knowing exactly in what direction to look, and thinking all the while, 'so this is how Moxie Axolotl and Old Mother Olmstead felt all those so many wonderful years ago.'

In my childhood, I always wondered what the hell was Moxie Axolotl talking about, anyway? And what exactly is a 'Whiz Bang?' But, when I dared to ask, she invariably gave me some round about answer that described an eclectic compilation of images and concepts that had little to nothing in common except for the fact that they were both unintentionally beautiful and unintentionally wierd. This is exactly how she described Cleveland. And, it brings me back to my original point (assuming, of course, that I actually had one).

Now, Moxie Axolotl always loved the Arcade. And she always made a point of re-acquainting herself with the building everytime whe came back from California to visit her beloved hometown. Me, on the other hand, I grew up in California, so I have a much more narrow minded view of art, and very little patience with the practice of admiring architecture. When I look at the Cleveland skyline and I see this historic landmark building, I can't help but to ask myself 'why would a city obscure the view of such a beautiful old building with a monstrosity skyscraper shit-ball replica of the empire state building?' [The answer being exactly what Moxie Axolotl would say, 'yes dear, we know, you're talking about two entirely different places and you're just a little bit confused.']

But, the real answer is simple. It is Progress, my friends. And not your ordinary typical everyday forward moving social progress, folks. No, this is a different breed of progress, entirely. This is a progress that defies all logic and prevails solely on the notion that if you keep doing the same thing wrong, over and over again, eventually you will wear down the laws of the universe and the logic of the cosmos until it reaches a point where everything you did will be right and exactly as you think it should because you convinced yourself that you planned it that way all along. In sum, it is progress because it says it is progress. It is, my friends, orchestrated chaos -without a conductor. Cleveland is the little train that could -but most likely won't, anytime soon, or in our lifetime; with the possible exception of some parallel universe where 'things are exactly as they seem' and Cleveland actually does 'Rock.'

But for its inspirational influence as a comedic one-liner, Moxie Axolotl's 'Whiz Bang,' its smog-filled majestic skyline, or its perplexing idiot wizardry, Cleveland, Ohio, is nothing inevitable and always something that some unknowing outsider (even someone such as myself -one generation removed) would easily mistake as being wrong. But, it isn't. And they're the ones who are wrong. And that's my point exactly, I think.

Cleveland is the little train that could have easily just given up. But it didn't, and it doesn't, because it can't. Even though it knows full well it is never going to make it up that hill. Shit, it could have packed it up and sent it back to the banks for liquidation so many times. But, it didn't. It could have simply set the lake on fire and called it a bay (on the North Coast, of course). But, it didn't. It could have accepted the fact that the Browns were probably better off in Baltimore. But, it didn't. I could have embraced the notion that the sunrises to the east, and not the west. But, I didn't.

Oh hell, why don't they just call it the 'Fifteenth Bank' and be done with it? Or better yet, how about the 'Fifth Reich Bank?' Well, the answer is simple. They don't because they didn't. And they didn't because they don't.

Besides, its like Old Mother Olmstead always said whenever Moxie Axolotl would start up with her California Prankster Shenanigans, "there are some things we just don't do here, in Ohio, dear."

Never mind the part where I ask the obvious question, 'what happened to the Third Third Bank or the Fourth Third Bank?' Because I already know that I won't get an answer. And I already know that there is no logical answer available. Because, the truth is simple: Nobody can ever conclusively prove to a Cleveland refugee, once removed, such as myself, that the sun won't maybe sometime actually rise in the west; and that the Browns won't always continue to win, maybe, except when it either seems inevitable or actually matters.

Why don't they call it 'Third World Bank?' Or better yet, reverse that and you've really got something 'World Third Bank.' In the early 1990s I drove past a Thai Restaurant named 'Phuc Yu.' I knew better to stop and eat, and Old Mother Olmstead never approved of such language. Besides, I've lived in California for over thirty years! I don't come to Cleveland for chinese cuisine!? I come here for its amazing autumn changing of the color of the leaves and its wild north coast western sunrises.

Oh phuc it. Sunrises are usually overrated anyway. Roll on Big Cleveland, you phucking plumb.

Labels: Cleveland Ohio, Comedy, Muggles Greenwood, Old Erie Street Bookstore, Parody, Satire

Thursday, October 16, 2008

POLITICS: 2008 PRESIDENTIAL RACE

FINAL PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE: OBAMA 3 McCain 2

October 16, 2008

By Muggles 'I Don't Run For Nobody' Greenwood

2008 (c) Mr. Clovis Shea and Mr. Mark Stueve. All Rights Reserved.

In wednesday's third and final Presidential Debate Democratic Candidate Barack Obama defeated Republican Candidate John McCain in a close fought match by the final score of 3 to 2.

After taking an early lead, Obama was able to hold McCain's attempted late rallies off with solid defensive play and a strong left-handed bullpen. In contrast, McCain was plauged throughout with sloppy defense, committing several 'Ayres' in the field, and inconsistent right-handed pitching that was at times both wild and dangerous. After shutting down several of John McCain's late inning attempts to remount his campaign's earlier momentum, courtesy of the Palin Bounce, Obama sealed last night's victory with a Manny Ramirez two-out homerun deep into the right field bleachers.

When asked about Ramirez's late inning heroics, Obama stated, "That's just Manny being Manny."

Labels: Baseball, Muggles Greenwood, Old Erie Street Bookstore, Parody, Politics, Satire

Monday, October 13, 2008

EDITORIAL: CANDY APPLE ECONOMICS ON A CRASS COURSE

WHY I SUPPORT THE FINANCIAL BANKING CRISIS OF 2008

By F.U. MaLaudanum

Written and Submitted In Association with Muggles Greenwood Productions and Old Erie Street Bookstore

2008 (c) Copyright Mr. Clovis Shea and Mr. Mark Stueve. All Rights Reserved.

All this past week people have been asking me, "hey F.U.! What is your opinion on this current financial banking crisis?" Well, I tell them, "hey man, I'm all for it." As a matter of fact, I support this Credit Mess one-hundred and ten percent. And if I could afford to support it more, I might be willing to go as high as, say, one-hundred and sixty-five percent.

Now I tend to get a little skeptical when people ask me, "hey F.U.! Why are you in support of this current financial banking crisis?" Because I feel like maybe they're just looking to me for a free ride out to lunch. 'Do your own research, form your own opinion, don't just look to me for the truth.' Besides, don't people realize FOX News is on 24/7 these days?

But, I did a little soul searching the other night. And I came to the realization that there comes a time when certain Leaders of Industry, such as I, myself, and yours truly, F.U., have a personal obligation to share our unique understanding of the state of all things 'Credit' and all things 'Messy'. I call this the 'All things Credit and Messy Factor.' And the old saying, 'bring enough for everybody' really seems appropriate. And, especially, these days, 'with so many terrible problems in this world.'

LOCAL LENDING PRACTICES

A true understanding of global economics requires a foundational assessment of the basic precept of local banking standards and practices. One must never underestimate the value of a basic checking account. Besides, now that I've stopped threatening to take my money out of the bank, the ladies at the service desk are far less smug to me when I ask them to waive my overdraft fees.

During the Clintonian Howdy-Doody Economic Period of the 1990s (or the 'Okie-nomics' Period -as my friend on Wall Street so aptly calls it) people thought they were happy because they thought the were rich. But, really, we all remember how it was -and we weren't happy. Sure, the Yen was flowing. And the Fed Reserve was loose. But, it also meant spending three hours a day standing next to the paper shredding machine.

Well, now that the banking industry finds itself bent over its own proverbial barrel, well, I can tell you that yes, I might be able to allow myself to budget just a little bit more than my regular weekly allotment of happiness and glee. For instance, I like to take an hour or so in the middle of the day, sit back on my front porch and watch the local postman deliver my mail. "How's your back, Frank?" I might ask. And he'd reply, "much better now that we're having this crazy banking crisis." And then I'd ask, "any more of those annoying credit card offers in the mail today?" And he'd reply, "nope."

So, do you see how nice taking time to be part of a community can be? Which brings me to my second topic: Family Budgeting.

FAMILY BUDGETING

Family budgeting is less of a science and more an art, really. And back in the 1990s this country bought a lot of crappy art. Now, I've always been a 'less is more' kind of guy. Rich people understand this as a basic principle; but, poor people, not so much. Food tastes much better now that we're eating less of it. Retail spending as the measure of economic growth is not a financial planning strategy. But, it is a whole lot easier than saying no to teenagers.

Recent Studies have shown that Christmas is an over-rated holiday. And, if you disconnect Cable TV, your children are more likely to read a book. Besides, I recently discovered that the public library has a wonderful Video selection; Beta and VHS.

So, go ahead, do it! Re-embrace the old family traditions before they get lost forever. Take the whole family out for a Sunday afternoon drive in the country. Take them to the park and have a picnic. You know you can't afford to go out to eat anymore. You can only afford enough gas to use the car once a week anyway. And you remember what happened last time you told the wife and kids to use public transit to run their errands?

FORMING AN INVESTMENT STRATEGY

People with financial planning strategies often come up to me and say, "save, F.U., save." But, me, I say, "spend, baby, spend." I think when it comes down to it, and the brass rally monkey finally squawks, the rich people of this country are going to spend us out of this current financial crisis. And, with the right kind of encouragement and positive re-enforcement, I think they can do it. I'm not just talking about some spending free-for-all. I'm talking about a well-planned, well-administered, we-executed, consolidated spending strategy. For instance, when it comes to porkbarrel spending, I say 'buy sheep, sell deer.' Now that the FDIC insures up to $250K I can finally consolidate all of my Washington Mutual Checking Accounts into one. Some folks openly question this approach because they're concerned about Capital Gains Tax. When they ask me, "hey F.U.! What about Capital Gains Tax?" I tell them, "hey, no problem!" Besides, what is 'Capital Gains Tax,' anyway?

People say 'invest,' and I tell them, "hey buddy, I invest my money in F.U." Besides, if I had 401K I'd just spend it. I'd buy a house and then rent it to myself as a tax-shelter. These days, everytime I take a bag full of loose pennies down to the liqour store and I notice all the homeland security and law enforcement hiding behind dumpsters, peering through house windows, lurking around the back alleys, I realize our Gross National Product is over invested in copper. I don't trust gold. I've never been a big fan of the Bond Market. And since I recently started drinking much more, I've decided to invest in aluminum.

I'm not a heartless person. It hurts me too; having to watch all of these poor rich white folks suffer. But, I honestly feel that maybe this is for the best. And that we will all come out of this having gained something as better human beings. I don't believe in labeling people and I don't believe in labeling fiscal periods, either. Besides, you can't call this a Bull Market or a Bear Market if it keeps laying eggs like this.

MONEY = POLITICS + RELIGION

I have always believed that the key to happiness is three-fold: Belonging to the right church, being associated with winning politicians, and having the proper mixture of old money and new money. I call this the 'Wholly Trinity.' And it's never been stronger than it is today. I may be morally bankrupt, but at least I'm not financially bankrupt.

However, if, as some politicians say, this financial crisis is a 'toxic mess' then we should set up a series of International Transport Compacts with Russia and Canada and then direct Governor Palin to bury it in some Alaska landfill.

As for the enviro-eco-hippie-freaks who will complain -someone needs to explain to them the difference between a jazzy liquid groove and solid rock divestiture. With our future commodities in agriculture off-set in hard rock mining options we are free to place our liquidity into a further jazzy groove.

We gotta get our Records straight, then we can buy more Books. Personally, I think we can offset an over-exposed Euro by doubling up on reds and then re-investing in a reliable R&B Fund independently certified as holding proper Motown Credentials. But hey, that's just me.

Besides, now that the Democrats control the White House, the House, and the Senate, it's only a matter of time before we re-build a new national financial surplus through the sale of Nuclear Arms to Iran, Cuba, and Venezuela.

In conclusion, let me say this, when people ask me, "hey F.U.! Do you feel happy?" Well, I tell them, "Bears shit in the woods ... and I know Bull when i hear it ... How can I not be Happy?"

Labels: Comedy, F.U. MaLaudanum, Muggles Greenwood, Old Erie Street Bookstore, Politics, Satire

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

da p.d. less for more scam

As of this past week the local fish wrapper has decided to charge an additional quarter of a dollar for it's sorry newspaper efforts. BEWARE THIS SCAM! Less is more seems to be this sordid attempt at journalism's latest money grabbing ploy. Offering only a smattering of local news via it's metro section , along with a paltry one page op / ed effort , the plain dealer offers it's potential customers not very much for their .75 cents. The local featured columnists who appear with regularity are not worthy of a read save Morris , Feagler , and Larkin. This rudderless ship is sinking fast . Without any real competent news gathering at a local level this joke in print has become just a series of bad rewrites of old news in printed form. For example. Olympic coverage without a reporter in Beijing . No reporters coverage of the 2008 election to speak of save from wire reports.... International news is surely not found in the plain dealer these days. Columnists the likes of Kevin O ' Brien and his girlfriends are fit for your litter box not a good read. Reruns of week old syndicated news from wire sources predominate this skinny sham of a newspaper....... A day old loaf of fluffy white bread with mold growing on it's edges seems to be the current plain dealer product offered. Stale and old news at a new higher price. I wonder how long it will take for this sorry waste of dead trees to be put out of it's misery?

Labels: Cleveland, da p.d.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

A celebration of sorts

In Cleveland , Ohio major league baseball is a celebration of losing traditions. Like some sorry old dog that reappears after it's drunken owner whoops on it , baseball season rolls around back here every year since the inception of the American League in 1901. Since 1901 the Cleveland American League teams entered have managed to capture the world series flag only twice , 1920 and 1948. Second place finishes are not really worth mention. Losing is losing and Cleveland professional baseball is a career study in loss. Sitting in the grandstand a few rows back from the home team dugout this past Tuesday evening's game with the Baltimore Orioles with my old pal Steinie gave me plenty of time to get a real closeup view of two last place teams " playing out the string". Both of these teams seasons are over , all that remains is the month of September for their 2008 efforts. Watching the village idiot manager Eric Wedge visit the pitching mound gave me the feeling that the creepy cabal of dunces led by Wedge and GM Shapiro have managed to take a first place team in 2007 {whose choke in the ALCS remains my favorite example of Cleveland baseball losing traditions in the 21st century } and due to their off season inactivity resulted in a 2008 cellar dwelling . Baseball demands tradition and it is insulting to watch third base coach Joel Skinner at work this season. Skinner's pivotal error in base running judgement in the 2007 ALCS would have cost him his job in any major league city save Cleveland. Losing is rewarded here. The 2008 Cleveland American League team is more akin to the high minor league teams that were fielded here in the seventies and eighties , insulting any hometown fans sober enough to notice , and led by such rank amateur players as Rick Manning and his like. The reason for attending games then was always to watch the opposing teams real baseball clubs chew up the home team. Baltimore fielded great teams who fielded competitive teams from the mid sixties through the early eighties. I recall a night game in the mid seventies that went extra innings at the old Cleveland Stadium that was approaching the American League one a.m. cutoff , that forced Brooks Robinson to come off the Orioles bench to put away the hapless Cleveland team with a pinch hit home run down the left field line that made a deafening clatter as it bounced from seat to concrete. Lights out tribe fans , home a little after one a.m. Could not have been more than a few hundred fans left in the stadium to witness Brooks walk off dinger. A few years later I attended a game at the old Baltimore Memorial Stadium after dining at Brooks restaurant a few blocks from the Baltimore stadium. The food was all right , she crab soup , crab cakes , white tablecloths good service , though the baseball fans led by upper deck leather lunged " Wild Bill Nagy " a real trip to witness. We sat in the section occupied by this local rabid Baltimore Orioles fan Nagy and were amazed by his active antics versus the lonely drumbeat metered out by the Cleveland equivalent John Addams and his incessant annoying drumming in the Cleveland Stadium bleachers. Then who would have guessed it ? The Orioles fielded competitive teams based on superb pitching and stellar defense , led by real managers , a stellar roster , and embodied by playing baseball " the Oriole Way" , described by Cal Ripkin Senior as " perfect practice makes perfect". The opposite held sway in Cleveland baseball traditions , drunkenness , wife swapping , mental illness , horrible trades , and managerial incompetence the bell weather for losing that continues to this very day in Cleveland American league baseball traditions. The last real competent field manager the Cleveland American League team hired was Al Lopez , and he was gone by the late nineteen fifties....... It is with great sadness that I take my hat off to the sad fate suffered by Detroit baseball fans in the loss of their beloved baseball architectural gem Tiger Stadium. Having watched fifty or so games at the corner of Michigan and Trumbell from it's original green colored confines to it's later blue painted interiors , I feel that this is a loss of no small matter. The upper deck " Tigers Den" seats perhaps the best in baseball. The flagpole in deep center field unique as the lower deck bleachers. The right field overhang which dated back to it's original place as the area behind home plate. The legion of half nuts fans that graced the upper deck bleachers , giving it an insane asylum on holiday air unique in baseball. I could go on. Comerica Park is a large mistake and indicative of the new generation faux intimate baseball stadiums that plague professional baseball today. I would no sooner visit Comerica park than I would revisit Camden Yards. I visited Camden Yards to watch a game in the 1993 season and witnessed the end of traditional baseball from a fans point of view. We sat in the lower grandstand of Camden Yards past the third base line towards left field and spent the game staring into right field due to the position of the seating. To view the balls and strikes or infield play meant to spend the game with the neck tilted right. Good night! Same goes for the majority of the baseball stadiums constructed since. Commerica, Progressive , Camden Yards. All the same to me. Phony and without any real heart and soul. I do not easily suffer the fool these days so attendance out of pocket at any professional baseball game played at home or on the road best come with a positive hook. No Commerica Park in my future though I sure do miss Tiger Stadium already............In this season of loss , I prefer to end on a high note. I was fortunate enough to witness Cleveland catcher Kelly Shoppach's five extra base hit performance earlier this month. Rebuilding a team like the 2008 Cleveland American League baseball team starts with a solid catcher. Shoppach might fit the bill.The 2009 is sooner than you think , and it is time to start cleaning house now from the top , Shapiro , down , Wedge. Those tow jokers , like Rick Manning and his ilk need to be excised once nad for good from this town along with the sorry racist mascot wahoo and that little stinking pinko hallucination slider. Ughh!

Labels: Baltimore, Baseball, Cleveland Sports, Detroit